Little Bears On Crack

 I read this quote somewhere from a wildlife expert: "Raccoons are little bears on crack"

When I moved here, the only real urban wildlife experience that I had had in my adult life was watching city raccoons climb  up steep vertical three story Victorian buildings via the drainpipes outdoors. I was so amazed at their climbing prowess.  And now and then I would see them cross the road at night. Once a friend who was visiting from England saw one on the sidewalk as we were driving down a dark San Francisco road and that was pretty fun because she was so excited. I knew that some lived out back in an old abandoned carriage house and up in the neighbors attic, but I rarely saw one. We pretty much avoided each other. I had my own exciting nightlife going on and we left each other alone.

Upon arriving here in Crockett, I used to get that creepy feeling like eyes were watching me from the depths of the overgrown back yard at night. I would hear a raccoon in the trees now and then. I would see one in the road. I even saw a mama and her babies on the fence. They proceeded to climb up into the tree and that was the last that I saw of them. And then one night when I was on Facebook, minding my own business or trying to save the world, I heard a noise and saw a little hand work its way through the crack between the screen door and the door frame and try to push the screen door open.

I frickin lost it. I screamed and must have scared it because it went away. Unlike real human crack addicts who dont go away when you scream.

Since then, I have had a baby gate over the screen door when the weather starts getting nice, just in case it happens again. It scared the shit out of me. And having had little experience with the wild suburban beasts of the bay area, I was terrified.

But then they left me alone. I kept the baby gate there just in case, but they left me alone.

This summer though, they must be used to me. And it seems like there are a lot of them  in the neighborhood. They are all over the place. The babies are grown and the Mama wanders slowly  through the backyard....wary, but not hesitant to do what ever she feels like doing. She's big and fat and well fed. She knows I'm watching her. I hear them fighting with that growl that sounds like what the Minotaur must have sounded like. They stand there in their stance when I catch them fighting on the deck. One backs off. The other approaches slowly. They stare me down. I have my hand on the sliding glass door - ready to shut it quickly in case they charge. They commence to fighting again right in front of me. Its terrifying, but I brave up and I tell them that I have googled how to skin a raccoon and that they make good eatin. I tell them that they will be my dinner should we have a worst case scenario. I tell them this through my screen door. as I shake my fist. I think they understand that I'm serious. And I am.- in the moment.  In my mind they understand because they finally slowly walk away.

I just read recently that they will cut a hole through your screen door. Oh Great.

I opened up the front door the other night. It was hot and I needed to get some air. My front door is right on the street. I step out onto the sidewalk and a little raccoon walking by at the same time makes a beeline for the door. That little f%*&er is trying to run into my house! I shriek. I step quickly back in, blocking his way and slam the door. But this time I ended up laughing because it was pretty funny. And its way better than a human on crack trying to get in. We have to keep it all in perspective.

I swear to god though, there are some nights that I feel like a prisoner in my own house and that the raccoons are out to get me! But wait. Isnt that how I used to feel in the city?

My neighbor did finally tell me that there was someone who lived on the corner who used to let the raccoons, the possums, and the feral cats come in to her house and eat cat food. It takes all kinds, doesn't it. The woman who lived here before me used to feed Jack, the feral cat who has adopted me, and in doing so, fed the raccoons also. I'm pretty sure word has it that I'm new in town, a sucker for a pretty face and that this is the place for a free meal. But the cat ladies leave food all up and down the street for the ferals. I give them nothing but fist shaking. They just dont need me and it doesn't make sense.

So Ive decided to make friends with the cute little critters. I don't really want to eat them. I cant let them come in the house because just like a bad boyfriend, they will never leave..............but they were here first and fair is fair. I will ignore the plants that they destroy, the fighting, the rampaging, the poop, the intrusions on my privacy and I'll just treat them like annoying children. They will be my Dennis The Menace and I will be their Mr. Wilson.